People say your twenties are for figuring yourself out. But no one tells you how much of that happens in silence — between texts left on read, conversations that never finish, and feelings we can't quite name. This story starts after a whole night of drinking. It's not like I was having a quarter-life crisis. Not consciously. But that morning, I decided to pick up running.
SUMMER
It was mid-summer. Not the scorching kind, just the one that kept your skin glowing. Every heartbeat was a drumbeat in my skull. I woke up to two voices running through my head. One who wanted me back in bed. And the other — existential and wanted me running. They had been talking to me for weeks now.
This time, I chose tough love.
The Weeknd played on my phone as the sun crept through the blinds. I was just 20, but Abel’s sultry voice made me feel like I'd been cheated on by a dozen girls. I'd never gone running by myself. Still, I already had a spot in mind. One that she used to lap twice a week.
I kept holding it off, waiting to go there with her for the first time. Let's call her Fall. I'd known Fall for a month now. Nothing official, but we were dating — late-night walks, hand-holding, and that one time she left her scrunchie in my room after a rain-soaked walk. I had to ask myself what I wanted from her. And she had her own answers to reach — while I couldn’t keep avoiding mine.
At some point, you have to stop waiting for company and just go. So, I slipped on a headband and stood facing my flatmate.
“What… and why are you wearing—”
“I’m gonna start running,” I announced.
“Running? Where? Just join the gym.”
“I’ll be back in an hour.”
“Are you her running buddy now?” he asked, a cunning note in his voice.
“What? No. I’m going alone.”
“Huh. Just don’t get hit by a car or something,” he said, getting back to his laptop.
I put on my oldest pair of runners and planned to reach the park by sunset. It was a big park, and there was this gazebo that got Instagram famous. A year ago, you wouldn’t catch me waiting long enough to see the sun go down. But now? I planned my evenings around them. I even knew what cumulus clouds are. She'd got me hooked on clicking pictures every day from my balcony. I’m not talking about Fall. This is a different one, a close friend — let's call her Summer. Most of our friendship formed under orange skies. Summer saw the me that lived between the silences.
I covered a kilometre, eyeing every passer-by like they knew something I didn’t. Running up that straight road, every minute stretched like an hour, while the end kept running away from me. You have to convince yourself to keep going, no matter how weak your legs feel, how breathless you get, how sharp the cramps bite. Use your inner demons as fuel. Run with them. Confront them. Why throw away money on therapy?
I stood in the gazebo, sweat rolling down my chin, underwhelmed by the view. Why did people get so hyped up about it? I turned to head back — but then I saw it: a crude path into the woods. Just a narrow slit between the bushes, like the forest had left its door open. I stepped in.
Branches scratched at my arms as a scrawny path revealed itself, dappled with patches of bright green summer grass. Somewhere ahead, I heard the faint, haunting call of a peacock.
I had to follow it. That was when I found a canopy thick enough to block the orange rays. A chorus of crickets was all I could hear. Pacing past the eerie trees, I found a clearing. A fence of barbed wire overlooked the crest of the hill. The wires had been pulled apart, just enough for a child to slip through.
Trespassing isn’t a crime if no one sees you.
The earth flattened into a quiet grassland, and the valley below stretched along a river, draped in twilight’s shadow. I’d missed the sun going down. There was nothing but green — and the loud, fleeting calls of birds disappearing into the dusk. I took my earphones off.
Not a soul around, no notifications, no hum of engines. The human world seemed at a pause, suspended between light and dark. I stayed till the sky lost its colour. I’d never known such safety in solitude. And for a moment, I wished I could stay there forever, watching the sun inch its way toward silence.
But then I had to head back. No one comes looking for a trespasser after dark. I walked beneath the thick canopy, nearly blind, with crickets blaring to their deaths. Believe me — I’ve been on enough roller coasters, but nothing matched the rush I felt right then. Alone in the forest, yet wrapped in a strange sense of safety I couldn’t explain.
So I laughed.
I screamed.
And I hopped through the dark like it was mine.
AUTUMN
May crept in with old routines and new lectures, as the warmth of summer faded like a half-finished song. As I trudged to the park, crisp wind blew through my hair, now long enough to get into my eyes. It was a quiet evening. People were hurrying home with tired eyes. The sky wasn’t orange yet, and the heavy lunch made it harder to walk in a straight line. The humid air clung to my skin, making me sneeze. Strangers passing gave me the side-eye as Billie Eilish played out loud from my phone. I was pacing, pacing to get past them all, pacing to get to my spot.
The path was a carpet of brown and yellow, not a patch of soil in sight. Leaves crackled under my shoes while the Capuchins fought on the trees.
“I’ll go get some milk,” I’d said.
Summer wanted to tag along. I’d fled from the table. She always kept me company. More so recently. She knew everything I had going on with Fall. At this point, I didn’t know if anything was going on. But Summer — Summer was my biggest cheerleader. Every Sunday, we had our venting sessions. Mostly me, spilling over hot coffee. She liked hers black and always listened. Really listened. We tried a different cafe each week, storing the cups in a little box — marked with the date and our moods scribbled on the side.
***
I was spiralling over what a situationship even was. I hated that word ever since Fall used it. You wanted to go out on dates but never visited. You only ever spent your free time with me. Cancelled on me last-minute, after I freed up my day for you. And you introduce me to your friends as a friend. It had been three months. What did you even want from me?
***
I sat on a rock to pick up a pinecone beside my feet. New jeans made it harder to bend. I started doing this — collecting things. I put them in a box of memories. Coasters, tickets, brochures, twigs, anything that could take me back in time. The half-bald trees stood still against a purple sky, and in that quiet, I made up my mind. It was time to take her scrunchie out of the box.
WINTER
The sky was cotton candy pink. AC/DC crackled from my tiny speaker as a flock of seagulls cut across the dipping sun. Wearing a jacket and shorts, I sat on a rock, with legs that could barely move. Yes, I had a favourite rock. Nothing weird. I wish it was small enough to fit in my box. Sleep had been dodging me for a while, and it was taking a toll on my running routine. Life gets really hard after the weekly 10K.
Underrated opinion: always look at the sky opposite the sunset. The pink behind me had more depth. That’s where the real colours are painted — the only thing I ever really taught Summer.
Life had been moving smoothly as of late. I’d carved out a routine and, for the most part, stuck to it. And finding time just for myself became increasingly harder. I had three houses — not literally, just where I hung out, where I belonged. Friend groups, each with their own rhythm. Each with a slightly different me. Juggling them came with a few white lies. But still, there was warmth in it. In being surrounded by people you care about. And, I visited my spot at least once a month. Just to ponder. Everyone knew about my trips, but I’d never brought anyone here. To me, this place was all mine.
Only mine.
Yesterday, people started listing options. Girls I could date. Someone even suggested Summer. Like — what?
Platonic relationships are a real thing. You can’t just gaslight me into liking her that way. Sure, she got me hooked on sunsets and drying flowers inside books. All these changes don't imply romance. I just loved spending time with her. Like a platonic crush. That should be a thing.
It was also the last semester of college. I was really hyped for the farewell. Actually, more so for my birthday in three days. Even if just for a few hours, it was the only chance I got to pull all the people I love into the same room.
I even invited Fall. She had started calling me her bestie. She just wanted to stay friends, but I didn’t care for that word.
“Get your plus one,” I’d texted. A breezy text.
Most of my friends were excited. Me? I was mostly scared. She was the one who sent a text every Thursday like it was something we’d always done. I came up with lame excuses that got me out of going on a weekly walk with her. Even with my best bluffs, I saw her once a month. I was trying my best not to till I graduate. Because some parts of me still believed in neat endings.
I began to hear voices behind me. I’d always thought I was the only one who knew this spot. After all this time, I suddenly felt like I’d walked into a stranger’s house. ‘Redesign’ started playing on my speaker.
It was Summer’s favourite song.
***
I’d always been a bit delusional. And I always missed the obvious. I didn’t see people as they were, more like how I hoped they could be. This feature worked in Fall’s favour. I never noticed the other person in the picture. Didn’t think to ask. Didn’t want to see.
***
I walked off as the sun drowned, through lush green grass that kissed my knees. It had rained for the last two days, and everything smelled like earth and forgiveness. I made my way back to the blinding canopy. I’d grown fond of it — this patch of woods that asked nothing from me. Sometimes, I come here just to feel the rush, just to know I’m alive.
A place where I could soft reset.
A place that was all mine.
SPRING
I’d been jumping with excitement, practically weightless, as I passed the gazebo. One final sunset — a full circle. We were all back at college to collect our degrees. Summer wasn’t here yet, and that made me feel empty. I hadn’t seen her in four months, ever since college ended and life pulled us into different cities, different jobs. The kind of distance that crept in slowly, even when you promise it wouldn’t.
Since then, I’ve learned a lot about myself. Mainly that Summer was the only girl I could ever use the word love for. She wasn’t fireworks, but soft butterscotch ice cream. I was blind to it the whole time. Only knew I loved her after the universe forced me to let her go. Reminds me of a song. But all I could hear was suffocating silence.
As I looked over the barbed wire, I saw black all around. A forest fire. Wiped out everything.
I crossed the fence and stood still, watching the red sun drown.
