To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: Appeal
Date: Jan 24 2019, 3:43 PM
Dear Mr. Greebles,
I’m sure you are aware by now that I have been let go due to the events that occurred on the third of December, 2018. I understand the gravity of the situation and the terrible financial blow it must have dealt to the company. However, I am writing to appeal to you because I was not responsible for these events.
On Monday the third of December last year, a masked figure broke into the Smithfield office of Greebles Publishing House. This person, as we all watched a month later in Conference Room B, entered your office and, after kicking down your door, destroying your paperwork and disrespecting the photo of your wife on your desk, stole your computer. I am very sorry for the emotional turbulence this must have caused, and hope you and your family have been able to recover from this unfair assault. The figure then proceeded to come back and steal several more computers. (I will note here that my expensive ergonomic office chair, which was purchased with my own money and without which I suffer from debilitating lower back pain, was also stolen.)
And on the same Monday the third of December last year, I went to bed early, as I always do. It had been a wonderful day of work, and I was heading to bed to make sure I was alert and ready for another wonderful day, and another one after that. So although I have no witnesses – since I live alone in an apartment complex with no security cameras – I assure you I could not have performed the calorically expensive task of breaking into our office, lifting heavy monitors to and fro all night, and still have had the energy to come back the next day for a wonderful day of work. Thankfully, the cameras do capture me coming into work the next day, Tuesday, rested and excited, for yet another wonderful day.
Actually, if you compare the footage of me with the masked criminal on Monday, you will clearly see that I am much more dainty, and the perpetrator is a straight up man. So honestly, I don’t know what kind of bullshit you’re trying to peddle, but we both know that wasn’t me, because if I was going to break into your office, I wouldn’t steal your shitty Officeworks monitor or destroy your worthless documents. No, I would get right up onto your desk, pull down my pants and take a big fat
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To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: Willing to reconsider
Date: Jan 24 2019, 4:10 PM
Dear Mr. Greebles,
Can I ask why I have been accused of a crime we both know I do not have the courage or core strength to commit? I know I am not the company’s most valued employee and that my performance lately has been less than stellar. I am willing to accept that. But I think we both know that the gargantuan man who broke into your office was not me. That man looked like Bigfoot’s older brother on steroids. Meanwhile, I am a petite women’s size eight.
Is this because of that one time during Diversity Month when you asked me in front of the whole company if I was from “Agrabah” and several people audibly laughed?
If you allow me to come back, I will be from Agrabah for you, Mr. Greebles. Anything for you, for my job... my wonderful, wonderful job
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To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: She’s the one who keeps microwaving fish
Date: Jan 24 2019, 4:28 PM
Dear Mr. Greebles,
Why me? Why not, for instance, Joanne from payroll?
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To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: Not your fall guy
Date: Jan 24 2019, 4:29 PM
Dear asshole Mr. Greebles,
You’re really gonna let me take the blame for this even though we both know I’m innocent? How do we know you didn’t just hire someone to fuck up your office and give you an excuse to chuck out that photo of your wife where she looks like if the unpopular horse who wasn’t asked to prom wished to be a real girl? So simple: take the insurance money and fire your fall guy. It’s pretty obvious why you have to resort to crime to keep things going. Everyone knows it: no-one’s buying the fucking books!
I wrote a book once, you know? It went a little something like this. Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess whose father was conned by a man just like you, Mr. Greebles. He destroyed everything; her parents divorced, her dad was fired. The family went into major debt, so the princess had to leave uni to work full time. And she worked hard, Mr. G. She worked her ass off any way she could, which was mostly babysitting jobs. And can I be honest with you? She DETESTED children. But she paid off that debt. And worked her way up, up, up to finally become a Publishing Assistant. And there is no chance in hell that I’m giving up this job just because you hired King Kong to come commit insurance fraud for you, you rich f-
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To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: It’s Spidin’ Time
Date: Jan 25 2019, 12:52 AM
Dear Mr. Greebles,
Why blame King Kong’s crimes on Mary Beth Mary Lou Mary Jane?
Or was that the one from Spiderman. Was King Kong in Spiderman? Or was Spiderman in King Ko
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To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: Seriously. I would not be eating those oysters
Date: Jan 25 2019, 1:06 AM
Dear Mr. Gubgub,
Do you know what people in the office call you behind your back? “Fatboy.” They make fun of you. They just don’t respect you, Fatboy. They dip their balls in your nondairy lattes. And you don’t even want to know what the cafeteria does to your oysters. Don’t think you’re so high and mighty with your inflated salary and your inflated ego. You’re NOTHING.
That said, if you give me my job back I can just tell you who these people are and you can restore your authority with me on your side as your faithful spy! Think it over?
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To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: please
Date: Jan 25 2019, 4:34 AM
Dear Mr. Greebles,
I don’t know what a prostate orgasm is right now, but if you give me my job back we’ll both find out
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To: garygreebles@greeblespublishinghouse.com
Subject: Squish-Recline 3000
Date: Jan 25 2019, 12:26 PM
Mr. Greebles,
Would you at least reimburse me for the ergonomic chair? I haven’t been able to sleep this whole time and I’m starting to hallucinate.
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Subject: Babysitter role
Date: Feb 14 2019, 2:31 PM
Dear Mr. McBride,
I am writing to you in relation to the Babysitter role you have advertised on Seek. Is there an option for this role to be done remotely? I am a hardworking professional who is looking to transition out of the corporate world and who loves working with children.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
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