BY Woodford Chen

Whether you’re in your last year of university, or a fresh faced first year, let's be honest, you’re gonna break down in Week Nine. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, “this year is going to be different.” But you know when it’s time to hand in final assignments, you’ll be sobbing. Looking at the white glow of an empty Word Doc, realising you have learnt nothing. You will never learn anything. It’s too late.  

If only there was a better way to make your clawing desperation for a passing grade so much more efficient. Now, this is going to require a little bit of work, but trust me on this, when Week Nine rolls around, you can spend far less time thinking about how to actually fix your grade and more time perpetuating cycles which end up only hurting you. Okay... ready? Let's do this.


Read your course outlines to figure out when your assignments are due. Then the week before, make sure you get the grocery store, preferably while hungry. As you browse the aisles, make sure you remember improv’s golden rule: ‘don’t do improv,’ also get another pack for the ride home. 

This way, while you are screaming at the computer updating an assignment hour before its due date, you can have all your favorite snacks at hand. For those fortunate enough to have their birthdays during exam weeks, make sure to ask loved ones to provide you with UberEATS or Menulog gift cards. There is nothing more disruptive to a pity party than having to cook.  

2. Draft Draft Draft (your emails...)

Improvisation is a great and important skill, and the unfortunate truth is that there are few people are naturally good at it. It takes a talented individual to create a beautiful plea which hits all the right notes. Everyone else has to prepare. 

Which brings me to my second important tip. Draft all your emails to ensure that your plea for assistance for the coming assignment is, incoherent, breathless and needlessly lengthy. Of course, you should, in no way be specific about what you’re having trouble with.  

It is integral that you do not send such a plea until the critical time. Which, naturally, falls outside of business hours.  

3. Schedule Your Freak Out!

Scheduling is a critical life skill which ensures you are exactly where you need to be, when you need to be there, namely, your floor at 4am. Remember! Crying burns calories, so it's technically a workout! Now here is when Boomerang comes in. Boomerang is an extension of Gmail which allows you to schedule your emails to be sent at specific times. With those desperation emails scheduled, you finally have some space to fantasize about being a person who can plan for things. 

Follow this simple tutorial, to avoid sending unprofessional emails which will garner accusations of incompetence. 

So there you have it! Rest assured that your Week Nine breakdown is sorted. Now sit back, scroll through Instragram meme pages and spend time on a personal project instead of “vital” assignments. Maybe it’s time to you call your ex, just go for it! Carpe Diem! Yes, you should write a novel! The world is your oyster!