WHY CADBURY CREME EGGS ARE THE WORST


BY Mansi Ayer

Sometimes in life, by the time you've realised you've made a mistake, it's too late to fix it. 

You just have to suffer through it. Like when you can't read Google Maps, and you make a wrong turn, so you have to continue driving down that road and take twenty more minutes to get to your destination.

That is what I think every time I bite into a Cadbury Creme Egg.

The egg is treacherous: it just looks so good with its shiny chocolate exterior, and the gooey inside it claims to have. It gets you every time, persuading you that it might taste better this time around. That your taste buds might have improved.

The problem is not in your taste buds though. Nobody could love a misbegotten creation that mocks both chocolate and fondant through its existence.

The problem with the Creme Egg is its own hubris. No one confectionary item should have that much power with its overindulgent inside. It fails to listen to the one cardinal rule of MasterChef, and that is "less is more". For Creme Eggs, more is more, with their disgusting inside. I'm not afraid to say it. Everyone else knows it but they let it go because of 'nostalgia'. I am so sorry you were mistreated as a child and thought Creme Eggs were good. I offer my sympathies to those people.

But for people whose tongues haven't been ravaged by the sugar syrup fondant, the inside is far too rich. It has no distinguishable taste. It tastes like sugar. I don't know in what dimension the inside is meant to be fondant because it is literally incomparable to any food meant to be consumed by living beings.

Worse still, the texture is ever so slightly grainy. The inside of a chocolate egg should be silky and smooth. Creme Eggs go down like sandpaper. The inside is so thick (not in a good way), it takes a good minute for that slime to go down your throat.

But again, because you are not a baby. You suffer through and finish the egg even though it is killing you.

That was before they changed the recipe.

The old egg used to be bearable. I could take it down. I hated it but it didn't offend me by simply existing. The recipe for the shell isn't made of Dairy Milk chocolate anymore but standard cocoa mix. Standard cocoa mix? What even is that? The new shell tastes like if someone made the recipe having only tasted watered down hot chocolate, made with home brand chocolate powder.

Even the weird, unbranded Reject Shop Easter eggs taste better!

I am all for freedom and if people want to suffocate on an excess of hedonism, in the form of an egg that looks and tastes like high fructose corn syrup, they can. Just know, if you want to talk about the horrific trauma that led you on this path, you always have me.