When Jennie’s clip of her crying while singing “Twin”, one of her singles from her new album, went viral, everyone talked about how it’s a very painful and relatable song about a friendship breakup. I gave it a quick listen and yes – it is indeed a song that could’ve explained what I felt years ago, when I was in anguish over my own separation with people I used to call “friends”.  

There are tons of heartbreak songs about romantic love and unrequited love, but what about heartbreak songs about your friendships? Is romantic love the only love that matters? Most of the popular songs during my angsty era were largely centred around women-men romantic relationships. No songs hit quite right to what I’ve actually felt, and while some chick flicks showed a glimpse of friendship storylines, they tend to be overdramatised with a black and white view. A real-life friendship breakup is not so black and white.  

Unlike Jennie’s “Twin”, Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” didn’t hit quite right for me, because once I stop seeing someone as a friend, I can’t be bothered to be that angry at them. My anger phase was way more miserable than “Bad Blood” described. Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes, but what I had wasn’t bullet holes – it was big stabs, bleeding that lasted over the years. 

Friendship is an important bond to me. If I’m gonna be honest, I can stay single for years without romantic flings, as long as I’ve got my friends. Friends are more than just people I meet and talk to at school and uni. My friends are my found and chosen family. The only people I can be vulnerable with are the people who share core memories with me, and the people I’m willing to take an 18-hour train for, just to listen to their stories. One of the most important qualities of a partner to me is that they can be both my lover and best friend.  

While I have many solid friendships I’ve proudly built over the years, including one dating back to the first year of primary school, the more friendships I’ve created, the more friendship breakups I’ve had to face as well..   That was the case with me. 

I’ve been in the shoes of both the dumpee and dumper. I’ve cut ties with ex-friends for various reasons; mostly, them being manipulative and befriending people they shit-talked about. Stories of betrayal, bullying, manipulation and possessiveness, I’ve gone through enough dramas to write my own movie scenarios. There were also friendships where we just stopped talking and drifted apart. No drama, no reason, no bitterness. Life happens and timing was just a bitch. But I have since been blessed with more solid years of friendship with better friends. I used to think to myself, “Am I the toxic one?” 

However, I was also not without flaws. I might not be the best listener for them, I might be too boring, too weird, too detached, and various other reasons. I might not be the right friend for them. I was not what they were looking for in a friend, and that’s fine. There were moments when I accidentally hurt people with my words. Past me had a lot of flaws and needed to apologise for what I did wrong.  

Friendship breakups due to someone catching feelings are just as painful. I would ask myself, were you friends with me because you truly love me as a friend, or were you just waiting for your chance to make a move? Did you genuinely care for me as a human, or was it all an act because of an ulterior motive?

Nobody taught us how to navigate friendship breakups. What were the most common things you heard growing up when someone was talking about a friendship breakup, especially in female friendships? Mine was, 

“They’re just jealous of you.” 

Thanks, Nana. That might be your case, but certainly not mine.
As a kid with a lot of awareness growing up, I knew that was not the right answer.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility that I was the one who messed up. What if I’m the problem?
But where did I go wrong? Where did WE go wrong? What did I do? Why won’t you talk to me? 

I ruminated on the problem over and over in my head, thinking that I was so flawed and underserving

The feeling of rejection is real. You’ll think you’ve done enough as a friend to keep them happy, but in the end, it still fell apart. What went wrong? Where did we mess up? You ruminate on this again and again. 

While I realise I am not perfect myself, those friendship breakups did build my character. One of the best lessons I learnt is standing up for myself in a way that younger me could never do. I learned to be nonchalant when someone’s trying to assert their power over me or trying to put me down. I also learned that I deserve better than being a doormat. I learnt to be stronger without losing part of myself. I learnt to accept that while I’m not everyone’s cup of coffee, there will be people who’ll want to stay for cups and cups of coffee with me. I can always try to be a better friend to those who stay with me. I learn to leave people who can’t appreciate me, or are simply too toxic to be around. Your kindness and honesty are your power, and it’s a gift for those around you. You can stay kind without being a people pleaser and used.

I believe in soulmates, but not the concept that a soulmate is the one and only fated person who’s meant to be in your life forever, and everything is just effortless. I believe that soulmates are not specific to lovers – they can be the friends and families you’ve made along the way. Sometimes they’re meant to stay in your life forever, but sometimes you’re only meant to be together until a certain point in life. That applies to friendship as well. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. Sometimes they need to go when it’s time to open up a new chapter for both of you. 

The love I had for them was real. The friendship and moments we had together were real. The lessons are there to be learnt. You can embrace both this part and the happy parts of the friendship as a reminder of a good time in your past timeline. These friendships, whether they ended on good or bad terms, were there to serve a purpose. To teach you a lesson, and perhaps their companionship was what you needed during that certain time in your life. While I grieved for the loss of my “friends”, I have no regrets ending some friendships, and I have no regrets leaving people who were not good to me behind. If we meet again someday, maybe I can still smile at them. But will I be able to rekindle the friendship? Most likely not. 

I went through some trials and errors to make peace with my friendship breakups. But here are some things that helped me to get through it in general: 

a. Evaluate the friendship: 

Ask people you trust for their perspectives about the friendship as well. Try not to ruminate over it. Instead, ask these questions : 

• Is there anything you could’ve done better next time? 

• Should I put more effort into saving my friendship? 

• Is their treatment of you acceptable? 

• Are they worth keeping in your life? 

• Is the version of them that you miss still there, or is it just a memory now? 

If the friendship ended because they betrayed you or were too toxic, I’m so sorry that it happened to you, but congrats for cutting one more thorn from your life! 

b. Stop looking for things to blame:

Is it my fault? Is it their fault? Who’s to blame? The fact is, not everyone and everything is to blame. Sometimes life just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it.  

c. Self-evaluation:

If it’s your fault, own up to it. Swallow your pride and apologise. Whether they accept your apology or not, it’s up to them. Own up to your mess-up and promise to do better for your remaining loved ones.  

d. Acceptance:

Sometimes it’s not meant to last. Those who are meant to stay will stay. Also, sometimes your good intentions may not be well received or may not have the best impact on them. Remember that when you try to do what you think is good for them, think about how your actions are going to affect them. 

e. Open up and connect:

This world is too big to stay in a little pond.  You can always meet new people, and who knows if one of them (or even better, more!) will become a lifelong friend? The thing is, you’re not the only person who’s going through a friendship breakup. Everyone else does. Maybe the person you met at Pilates class just went through a friendship breakup themselves, or feels isolated because they just moved to Sydney, are far from home, and are trying to rebuild their friendship circle in a new city? Everyone has their own stories, and they’re all worth listening to. Maybe they will be the new people to share your core memories with. Now, it’s a matter of who’s going to reach out first.     

If you still want to salvage your (non-toxic) friendship, go text them right now! 

If you’ve made peace with the fact that it’s not salvageable anymore, it’s okay. Let’s do better with your current friendships. Cherish those who stay with you. 

Just don’t text the toxic ex-friend. Don’t! Keep the position open for new potential best friends in your life. The phrase “There are a lot of fish in the sea” applies to best friends.

A baby writer in her big girl age. Re-learning how to write to tick one of her bucket lists: To have a published writing that you’ll like and resonate with. Sometimes you’ll find her pulling an all-nighter at Law Library or at WanderSoc (easy) walks.