BY Abigail Standish

DO: Live your life by nifty self-help books like "The Secret" and "7 Spiritual Laws of Success". Think positively. Accept things as they are.

DO NOT: Live your life by the Wikihow page titled "How to Care for Your Sea-Monkeys". Do not let algae develop in your tank for you to eat. Do not aerate your tank with a turkey baster.

(The following might be a healthy exception if you find it appealing: "Use a small flashlight to make the Sea-Monkeys dance & swim around")

DO:  Find a sense of belonging and purpose in your community. Join a club, secure a position as the secretary or president of that club.

DO NOT: Start a club called “Belonging & Purpose Club” where everyone gets to be the president. Everyone cannot be the president, I am sorry.

Also, DO NOT start a cult. Consider joining a commune as a safer alternative.

DO: Get enough physical contact. Science recommends it. Call me up and ask for a hug. I'll be right over.

DO NOT: Invite your friends over for a “Physical Contact Party” and offer to serve meatloaf for dinner. Or do, but just be more specific about what that means to you.

DO: Remember that while your body is yours (though Epictetus might disagree), your worth and identity should not be derived from your physical form. Try this: surround your mirror with things which are representative of what's inside of you (I mean like your personality and accomplishments, not like your entrails and guts. Ew.)

DO NOT: Tape the following John Fowles quote alongside your mirror: “I think we are just insects, we live a bit and then die and that’s the lot. There’s no mercy in things. There’s not even a Great Beyond. There’s nothing.” You do not need to be sent on a trail of painful existential contemplation every time you check to see if your bum looks nice in those pants.

By the way, your bum does look nice in those pants.

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