In life, we often focus on all different types of love: platonic, familial, romantic. Yet, we often forget about the most important type of love— self-love. It is an appreciation of oneself, taking care of one's own needs and not sacrificing one's own well-being in order to please others. This type of love is often overlooked, as many of us focus on other aspects of life. But what we fail to realise is that self-love is the core of everything else. Without taking care of the relationship we have with ourselves, how can we even begin to try and form other healthy ones? We are told to chase others, want others to want us, but do we even want ourselves? 

Why is that such a difficult question to ask and to answer? Why do we struggle to love ourselves? The truth is, it is because self-love has been very polarised in history, often associated with both well-being and with selfishness or narcissism (1). And although self-love is often correlated with narcissism, they are truly polar opposites. We often hear that people who are confident or love themselves are egotistical or “too full of themselves”. Because of this outlook, many of us don’t even attempt it, nor do we see the point. Even those who do try often give up, due to the popular comparison culture that causes individuals to compare their progress to unrealistic standards set online, turning away at any difficult point, because what is the point anyway?  

The point is that self-love allows us to be better and stronger people, allowing us to interact with each other in a more beneficial way. Having unconditional love for yourself allows you to show up for others. This is because if we don’t love ourselves and don’t show up for ourselves, how can we do the same for others, as if we can’t give something to others we don’t truly have (2). It is an act of deep acceptance that allows us to fully show up as we are, without any conditions, judgment, or expectations (3). Cultivating that relationship with yourself allows you to be fully content with yourself, which in turn allows you to show up for others. 

Recently, self-love has been all the rage on social media, with influencers feeding us the narrative to “love ourselves” without actually providing specific, useful advice (4). They often give us empty advice to listen to a "fulfilling" podcast, or stare at ourselves in the mirror and tell ourselves we look pretty. The truth is, those might work, but only for a little while. This gives us the illusion that we are growing and working on ourselves, but it's empty. 

The truth is, to truly embark on the journey of self-love, we must reflect on ourselves as individuals. With so much focus on whether other people want us, the question “would we even want ourselves?” rarely comes up. We need to realise that the only promised relationship we have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves, and therefore, it is essential to forgive ourselves for the past and accept that we are only human. 

A good place to start is by getting to know ourselves - who we truly are, what we like and dislike, and how we react to certain things. Instead of judging any of this or focusing on how we could do things better, for now, it is important to acknowledge and just let ourselves be. Once we have done this, we can start searching for things we actually like within ourselves, whether it is the way we laugh or how we always smile at strangers. If we can’t find much, there is nothing wrong with trying new things and sticking to what suits us best, regardless of public judgment. The journey is about building a better relationship with ourselves based on what we like. It's essential to remember that this journey or process is about us, not others, and therefore, we shouldn’t focus on their opinions or compare ourselves. It is also okay to make mistakes or fall back; this path to self-love is truly just about getting to know ourselves and learning to accept every aspect of ourselves. 

The truth is, there is no step-by-step guide; different things work for different people. Every journey is special and unique. However, it's essential to focus on oneself rather than society, and try new things until we find what feels right.

1. https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2021-90865-001 

2. JA by Tadeusz Niwiński (highly recommend reading this if this topic is interesting to you) translated fragment used by Gabriela Miziniak

3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wire-your-mind-for-love/202502/the-super-power-of-self-love 

4. https://nesslabs.com/self-love 

Gabriela Miziniak is a second-year student studying Psychological Sciences, majoring in Neuroscience. A journaling enthusiast who enjoys trinket collecting and binge-watching films (especially Coraline or Fear Street). Also enjoys talking about literally anything and walking literally everywhere, while listening to SZA or Clairo.