The Top Five Best Dressed At The Oscars 2023 (And Constructive Criticism For Five Others)

by Eloise Wajon

I could not be less qualified to comment on the outfits of the rich, famous and beautiful. I go into negative balance on my bank account at least weekly, my mother occasionally refers to me by my sister’s name, and I vaguely resemble a washed-up blobfish without makeup.

Pictured: me

But somebody has to do it, and I’m a blobfish who knows excellent accessory coordination when she sees it. 

Here are the top five best-dressed people at the Oscars this year, In the interests of not being a big meanie and labelling someone who put in a great amount of effort into their getup ‘worst dressed’ we will be providing a ‘feedback sandwich’ for several others, including one piece of constructive criticism.

Top 5 Best Dressed (in no particular order)

Hong Chau served and slayed with no remorse in this Prada gown, which requested to include a Mandarin collar in a nod to her Vietnamese heritage. 

Halle Bailey (aka the upcoming Little Mermaid and brief recipient of Facebook ire from your aunt who lives in the Central Coast) is stunning in a pastel blue tulle gown, but the highlight of this outfit is definitely the updo.

Malala Yousafzai has practically been dipped in glitter here, and it’s wonderful. Did you know she guest-starred in the Friends reboot? Yeah, I was confused too.

Lilly Singh was at the Oscars. Huh. But a muted magenta floor-length coat is definitely one of her best looks, second only to the I ❤️ BURGERS tank top she wore in “Types Of Annoying Listicles”

Yes, Vanessa Hudgens was on every Best Dressed list. But this little flared number reminds me of a Neenish Tart, and there is no quicker way to get in my good books than wearing something that vaguely resembles something sold at a humdrum bakery in The Shire.

And Now, Constructive Criticism For Five Others

Florence Pugh! Love the billowing sleeves and papery texture of the bust! I’m just not quite sure I would have chosen to undercut the whole fairy godmother vibes with a straight black miniskirt. But you do you, queen!

Dwayne, I love that you’re getting experimental with your colour choices and not just going for the plain black suit like every other man at the function, but I just think you look a bit washed out in a satin pastel coral blazer. But obviously that’s just me.

Sigourney! This shiny miscellaneous animal print is just stunning on you! But that scoop neckline is screaming for a necklace, or perhaps a belt? But if you liked it, then who cares!

Eva Longoria! The skinny scarf neckline is such an awesome look on you, but the cut of the dress and the outdated geometric pattern is very much giving bedazzled dressing gown. But as long as you felt fabulous, it doesn’t matter!

Andrew Garfield! Of course, you can never go wrong with a traditional black tux, and this one fits like a dream. But maybe a little lapel or splash of colour could have gone a long way to giving it some character. But, I guess if you…I’m running out of bread for the bottom half of the feedback sandwich.

Eloise Wajon is a second-year Fine Arts/Arts student, majoring in Creative Writing. In her spare time, she likes to play video games and defend Taylor Swift in the comments section of Buzzfeed articles.

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