They say if your coffee order is over three words you’re a coffee snob (read: ‘hipster’). We see you there, lining up outside the Coffee Cart for your double ristretto which could have been served to you as a long black and you probably wouldn’t have known the difference. Here is what your ol’ cuppa Joe says about you…
Besides a mocha, which is chocolate milk for people who can’t deal with adulthood, the cappuccino is the sugary cocktail equivalent in the coffee world. You lick the foam off the top because that’s the only good bit. You probably shouldn’t be drinking coffee in the first place. You could’ve opted for a hot chocolate instead but that’s not edgy enough for you now, is it?
You like warm milk, you like coffee and you want them to be in the same cup at exactly 77 degrees for your consumption at 7:34am. When you order your “flatty” with skim milk and an equal instead of sugar, it means that the Missus is on your back again about your health. Let’s be real, having that gym membership is like throwing money out the window.
(Literally the same drink as a flat white just in a different drinking vessel.) This hot beverage screams, “I’m hip, look at me!”. You write your shopping list on a MacBook Pro, upload it to iCloud and read it from your iPad with each item listed according to which aisle of the supermarket it’s found in. Your favourite city is New York, and whether you’ve been there or not is irrelevant. You love John Green novels and you think that The Fault In Our Stars is a piece of literary genius.
You like your coffee the same as your soul, black and seemingly bottomless. You love reading Sylvia Plath and sit sulking at outdoor tables in the cold, hunched over, scribbling in a moleskin while you chain smoke and sip something more bitter than your parents are about your life choices. You watch a lot of SBS foreign films and we probably just don’t understand you.
You order your coffee in a forced Mediterranean accent to demonstrate that, despite being a third-generation immigrant, you’re a proud European. You can talk at length about why your heritage prevents you from feeling the heat. In the F1 you always support team Ferrari, even when the driver is a German. You wear wraparound sunglasses and if you’re even moderately successful, an Armani leather jacket (take that, society). Even in the middle of spring.
You drink soy because there are certain things in this world that you cannot tolerate. If one of these things isn’t lactose then the list will definitely include generic beer, bikes with gears and bands other people have heard of, like the Arctic Monkeys or Vampire Weekend, because why be intolerant when you can be intolerable.